Building Communication Skills to Promote Healthy Relationships
'Integrity' is a word that makes us often think of truthfulness, honesty, and altruistic morals. What integrity also represents is a highlighting of strong communication skills that make us better communicators. Even if we consciously try to live our lives with the highest level of integrity possible, it can still often be a challenge. In the heat of the moment, our emotions can take control and we say things we really don't mean. Apologizing after the fact can be difficult, yet with certain communication skills, we can better maintain our relationships by authentically resolving our mistakes positively and without added drama.
The Four-Part Apology is a powerful communication tool that helps us maintain clear, open communication, which keeps our integrity strong and our relationships intact when we have to apologize for a wrong-doing. This model allows us to acknowledge the wrong we caused and allows us to take responsibility for it by looking past the actual incident to the consequences of our behavior. By verbally acknowledging these consequences with the person we wronged and by openly choosing a different behavior, we can help that person move from feeling upset and resentful to being thoughtful and supportive. A great way to remember the four parts of the Four-Part Apology is to remember the phrase: "It's All About My Relationships!"
The "All" stands for 'Acknowledge'. By using 'I' statements, we take responsibility for our actions by admitting them. "I acknowledge that I didn't call you when I knew I was going to be late."
"About" represents 'Apologize'. State the cost or damage your actions caused. "I apologize for making you wait and causing you frustration."
"My" is for 'Making it Right'. Deal with the consequences of the behavior and offer to make up for it with a solution. "What can I do to make it right?" This is where we listen and discover what the other person needs in order to feel a sense of closure to the situation.
Finally, "Relationships" stands for "Recommit'. Make a commitment to appropriate behavior which will mend the relationship. "I agree from now on to call you if I am running behind so that you know what's happening and you don't feel stood up."
People often think that they lower themselves when they apologize for something they did or didn't do, as if they are voluntarily giving up their own credibility. Consequently, this causes frustration. How many times have you been on the giving OR receiving end of an "I'm sorry" that felt empty or incomplete?
By using the Four-Part Apology, we have the power to clean up our mistakes and realign our integrity to match our values and beliefs. At one summer enrichment program, students learn this technique and practice it on a regular basis throughout the 10-day program. This helps them learn positive communication skills that further promote a positive learning environment, while reducing the presence of drama and conflict. When they leave camp, they take these learning skills home with them, and parents have reported their teens to have become much stronger communicators, which has greatly reduced the amount of fighting between parents and kids.
Outside of the home, the Four-Part Apology can be used in all areas of life, whether it's at work, school, or even with people we don't know. When we use the Four-Part Apology, we allow ourselves an avenue to clear open communication that upholds our integrity for positive relationships in our lives.